Only To Protect Him
by Splinter
Summary: Told from Splinter's POV. To keep his child safe, a father would do or say...anything. New chapter!!! Raphael's continuing journey into the world of self hatred
1. Default Chapter

"Exit light.   
Enter night.  
Take my hand  
We're off to Never Never Land"  
(Enter Sandman by Metallica)  
  
  
As I write this, I know that it will not be long before I discover the secrets that lay beyond this existence. I go willingly. My time on this earth has been short, but fulfilling. I have but three treasures to leave behind; my sons. They have grown well and I am proud of them all. I also, take with me, one regret. Time has not erased the pain that the death of my fourth son caused me. Time has not erased the guilt.   
  
I am probably one of millions of parents that wished children came with a set of instructions. It was not easy in those early years. I had no experience, no knowledge which to draw from. You would perhaps think that I panicked at every cold or injury. No, those things were trivial compared to the deep panic that I felt whenever I considered what would happen if one of them were discovered. It sometimes ate away at me, and other times I could force it to the very depths of my subconscious. But it was always there.  
  
It was that panic that drove me into making them the very best ninja that I could. It was not only to avenge the death of my master, but their survival depended on it. And it was that panic that killed, if indirectly, my son.  
I would ask to whoever reads these pages, that you be kind when judging my actions. You may believe that I was unnecessarily harsh. That perhaps I twisted the mind of my young and impressionable son. But what I did was only to protect them. I had the best of intentions.   
  
When my sons became seven years of age, I granted them a bit more freedom. Up until then they had not been permitted to leave our lair without me. But I knew that they needed more room to run and play than our small home granted them. I, however, set strict boundaries that they were all aware of. I am not naïve and I knew that they would test the limits. The consequences the first time were enough to sway Leonardo and Donatello.  
Michaelangelo and Raphael were another story.  
  
The two of them were virtually inseparable. They were always getting into some sort of mischief. But one day they came home...  
  
  
Michaelangelo was crying and shaking and Raphael looked extremely pale.  
  
I jumped from the chair where I had been reading and pulled them both closer to me. "What has happened? Where are Leonardo and Donatello?"  
  
No sooner were the words out of my mouth then Leonardo and Donatello both came running in. "Master!" Leonardo said. "We lost Mikey and Raph...uh..." He trailed off at seeing his two brothers. "Are you guys ok?"  
  
I forced Raphael and Michaelangelo to look at me and asked again. "What has happened?"  
  
The two glanced at each other for a moment nervously before Raphael stammered. "Master...some...someone saw me."  
  
The others gasped and I forced back the panic that rose to my mind. Forcing calm, I asked. "Tell me what happened. Was it a worker in the sewers?"  
  
Raphael hesitated and that's when I knew; they had ventured to the surface.  
  
"The two of you went above!?" I demanded somewhat forcefully.  
  
I heard Leonardo and Donatello gasp and Michaelangelo started crying again.  
  
"I'm sorry," Raphael said quickly. "It was just me. Mikey didn't go. I went by myself. I'm sorry sensei."  
  
I closed my eyes and counted to ten. First in Japanese and then in English. Raphael's brothers were staring at him in disbelief that he would break such an important rule.  
  
I opened my eyes. "Leonardo, go and get what candles we have and the matches from the drawer." My son ran to obey and returned a moment later with the two candles. "Listen to me carefully. I am going to make sure Raphael was not followed. Turn off all of the lights when I leave and do not turn them back on until I return. Go to your rooms and stay there. Keep your voices low." I gave them each a hug. Raphael hung back for a moment but I pulled him into my arms.  
  
"I'm sorry Master," he whispered.  
  
I took his chin and tilted his head to look at me. "We will discuss this when I return."  
  
I left them knowing my instructions will be followed; including special instructions that I had given Leonardo long ago in case I never return.  



	2. chapter 2

My search through the sewers was uneventful. Whoever had seen Raphael was not concerned enough with him to follow. This time. I thought of my sons hiding in the darkness of their bedrooms; scared and waiting for my return. The question that burned in my mind was what to do with Raphael.   
  
Raphael was always the most adventurous of my sons. He always did what he wanted regardless of consequences. I had to believe that years of ninja discipline would one day temper his reckless spirit, but in the meantime, I could not allow his rash actions to jeopardize the safety of his family.  
  
There are two things in life that teach lessons better then anything. One is pain and the other is fear.   
  
Please do not jump to conclusions. I had no desire to inflict pain on any of my sons. Taps with my cane to gain their attention is one thing, but I would NEVER intentionally do harm to them. And I also did not want them to fear me. However, Raphael needed to know exactly why my rules were important. And I had to be completely honest with him.  
  
  
I walked into our lair and called out to my sons. They came running out of their rooms. "Master, did you see anyone?" Donatello asked.  
  
I shook my head. "No. We are safe."  
  
Smiling, I indulged their excited chatter before hushing them. "We are going to forego evening practice tonight. You may have free time before bed." They cheered again and as much as I hated to destroy the happiness, I said. "Raphael, we must talk."  
  
I lead my nervous son into my room and indicated that he should sit down.   
  
"Raphael, do you know what would have happened if someone found our lair?"  
  
Of course he did. I had always told them that humans would not understand us. That humans feared what they did not understand. But I never told them what humans tended to do to things they feared and did not understand. I never wanted to frighten them that much. Not until now.  
  
Raphael nodded slowly in answer to my question.  
  
"Tell me what I have told you," I prompted him.  
  
"That humans would be afraid of us. They might hurt us or...or kill us."  
  
I leaned forward. "I have never told you, but do you know exactly what humans would do if they discovered us?"  
  
Raphael shook his head wordlessly, fear lighting up his eyes. I had his undivided attention.  
  
Some voice inside of me told me not to do this; that this would cause more trouble than it was worth. But another voice insisted that this was the only way.  
  
"We are unique creatures on this earth, Raphael," I explained slowly. "Humans have never seen the likes of us before. Should humans discover us, and our abilities, their first priority would be to subdue us."  
"Subdue?" Raphael questioned.  
  
"Capture us and render us unable to defend ourselves. Use drugs to keep us asleep or sedated." I could not stop now. No matter how much knowing this frightened him.  
  
"Why, Sensei?" Raphael asked. "I always thought they would just...just kill us."  
  
I nodded. "Eventually, yes they would. But not before they found out all they could about us."  
  
"H...how?"  
  
Somewhere deep inside Raphael knew the answer, but he never could believe it. Now the truth was being thrown in his face and I was forcing him to look at it.   
  
Not even I could believe the next words that came from my mouth. I was telling my young son my worse nightmare. Something I swore to hide from them. It was like I was watching myself. Listening to this duplicate of me explain the more gruesome points of dissection and experimentation. I couldn't stop, not even when I saw him gagging. I made him picture his brothers tied down to tables with their shells sliced opened and exposed.  
  
I knew Raphael had a fear of needles and I used that against him, explaining each poke and prod, every stick with the sharp instrument.  
  
It seemed like hours, but only a few minutes had passed before I was done. I leaned back emotionally exhausted and regarded Raphael carefully. His eyes were wide and frightened. His face pale. I longed to reach out and comfort him. I wanted to tell him that nothing like that would ever happen, but I didn't.  
  
"Now Raphael, I want you to go to your room for the rest of this evening and think about what we have discussed. What your actions could have cost this family."  
  
Raphael nodded and stood woodenly. He seemed to have aged ten years in the last ten minutes.  
I watched him leave and I began to feel ill myself. It would be some years before I would realize the other parts of the "fear" equation.   
  
The fear that I had planted in my son's mind to protect him would harden and lead to anger and hatred. Specifically, hatred of the humans that I had taught him to fear.   
  
The hatred would lead to violence and the violence would lead ultimately to death. But not Raphael's.   
  



	3. chapter 3

Okay, I know it's been a long time. But I decided to get the next chapter out before I was drawn and quartered. You will be happy to know the next chapter has already been started and it's a fast forward into the future.   
  
  
  
  
  
When I came out of my room some forty minutes later, it was to find my sons minus Raphael sitting around the coffee table playing a game. It was unusual for them to be so quiet, but I gathered they had come to the conclusion that I was not in a mood to be trifled with.  
  
My theory was confirmed when I announced that it was time for bed. Rather than their customary complaints, they chorused, "Yes Sensei" and quickly began to put the game away. A hasty bow and they scrambled to their rooms.  
  
I watched them go and after waiting a few moments, I went to tuck them in. My first stop was Leonardo and Donatello's room. The two of them were lying down in their beds with the covers pulled up and the lights already out. I sighed and kissed them both gently on the forehead.  
  
"Good-night, My Sons. Sleep well."  
  
"Night Master," Donatello whispered.  
  
"Good-night, Sensei," Leonardo echoed.  
  
I was about to leave when Leonardo's voice called me back. "Master?"  
  
"Yes, Leonardo?" I moved to sit on his bed.  
  
He looked down for a second unsure as what to say. Finally he asked. "Did you punish Raph?"  
  
I narrowed my eyes. "Leonardo, that is none of your concern. Go to sleep now. Rest assured that your brother is fine and will be up to mischief again in no time."  
  
Leonardo smiled at that, but with a look of doubt on his face. "Ok. Good night sensei."  
  
"Good night, Leonardo."  
  
I left the room closing the door behind me and went to the next room. Michaelangelo's nightlight was glowing next to his bed and he looked to be already asleep. I chuckled softly. Michaelangelo usually had to be forced into bed, but once there he fell asleep instantly and was impossible to get up in the morning.  
  
Raphael was also in his bed, but I could see from the dim light that his eyes were open and he was staring up at the ceiling. I sat down beside him. "Raphael, have you had the chance to think about what we discussed earlier?"  
  
"Yes," he whispered a bit angrily.  
  
I ignored it and asked. "And what conclusions did you reach?"  
  
He looked at me as if he were about to say one thing and then changed his mind, "That I should obey the rules and stay away from the surface," he said mechanically.   
  
I studied his face for a moment searching for the truth. I knew that he said that merely because that is what I wanted to hear. "Raphael," I began. "Is that the only conclusion you reached?"  
  
My son paused considering that and I saw that he wanted to say something else. But finally he said, "Yes, Master."  
  
I nodded and patted his hand gently. "Very well, then. Be certain you understand that, Raphael. Should it happen again, I will not be so lenient." I stood up and pulled the blankets up to him. "Good-night, My Son."  
  
Raphael turned on to his side. "Night, Master."  
  
  
  
  
  
"NO! I'm sorry! Please, STOP!"  
  
I was startled awake by the sound of one of my sons screaming. I jumped up and raced for their rooms. It had been months since Michaelangelo had been plagued with nightmares and I wondered which of his brothers was responsible for the ghost story that must be behind this one.  
  
I opened the door to Michaelangelo and Raphael's room. Leonardo, Donatello and Michaelangelo were all crowded around Raphael's bed. To my surprise, Raphael was pale and shaking wrapped up in his blankets.  
  
"What is going on?" I asked.  
  
"Raph had a nightmare," Donatello explained.  
  
I stood there in silence. Why didn't I see this coming? Why hadn't I reassured him?  
  
Michaelangelo placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You ok, Raph?"  
  
Raphael's face turned crimson and he pushed away the caress. "Leave me alone, Mikey."  
  
Michaelangelo looked hurt. "I was only trying to help."  
  
"Well stop trying," Raphael said angrily. "That's the only way you can help."  
  
"That's enough," I said gently. "Everyone back to bed."  
  
My sons reluctantly did as I ordered and for the second time that evening I sat on Raphael's bed. Only this time it was to offer the comfort that I should have earlier.  
  
"Raphael," I began quietly hoping that Michaelangelo would not hear. "Would you tell me what you dreamed?"  
  
Raphael regarded me quietly for a moment and then shrugged. "I can't remember."  
  
I sighed and for some reason I didn't quite believe him. "Did it have to do with what you and I discussed this evening?" I pressed.  
  
My son shook his head. "No, I don't think so."  
  
"Raphael, I know it is frightening to think of what humans are capable of..."  
  
He interrupted me. "Are you scared of humans, Master?"  
  
I was quiet for a second, thinking of how to answer that, but in my silence Raphael seemed to find his answer. "I don't wanna be a freak, Sensei," he said softly. "I don't wanna be something to study and dissect."  
  
Saddened that I was the cause of his distress, I put my arm around him. "We are what we are, My Child. We can't change that."  
  
He jerked away from my touch. "I don't wanna change who I am! There's nothin' wrong with me. Let the humans change who they are."  
  
I saw that while trying to come to terms with the fear that I instilled in him, Raphael began to feel anger. He was angry because he had to be afraid. He was angry because he would never be accepted by humans for what he was. I never wanted or anticipated this. I took heart that this flame of anger was still small and I had the chance to quash it before it could grow into rage or hatred. But of course, we all know I failed. 


	4. 4

So, now you are aware of how deep my guilt must run. I alone began Raphael on the road to self-hatred. So many times over the years, I tried to redirect him, to soothe his anger, but to no avail. What made matters worse was, that in his anger he became reckless and unthinking when faced with a difficult situation. I would often be forced to punish him for his recklessness and this served only to push him further away. In desperation, I directed Leonardo to take a hand in keeping Raphael out of trouble; to be my eyes and ears while I was not with them and to be my voice of reason. But this only created a wall between them. So, I have that on my conscience as well. I alone began Raphael on this destructive road. But I was not alone in fueling the fire.  
  
Michaelangelo would tell me a story of an.outing he and Raphael took unbeknownst to me when they were in their early teens. Something Raphael had said to him afterwards struck him as odd, but he never mentioned it to me for fear of reprimand. It would only be years later that I would hear the tale.  
  
Raphael had come to Michaelangelo one late night after everyone had gone to bed telling him of an extravagant party in the city that he saw on television. Raphael smiled. "Wanna go?"  
  
Intrigued, Michaelangelo sat up in his bed. "How? I mean, it's after curfew. And what if someone sees us?"  
  
"Splinter's asleep. We'll just have to be real quiet and sneak out." He lowered his voice. "And who cares if someone sees us. We'll wear disguises." He rummaged quietly in a trunk in the corner and started tossing clothing to Michaelangelo. Reluctantly (so he says) Michaelangelo started to dress. A thick wool hat on his head and a large shirt that came up to his chin. Over the years we had found these things and saved them for when my sons ventured above. With an overgrown pair of pants that just barely fit and a coat and gloves, they were both ready to go.  
  
"Our faces our green," Michaelangelo said studying himself in a mirror.  
  
Raphael shrugged. "Not much we can do about that. It'll be dark, but if anyone asks we'll just tell them we were sick."  
  
"If we get caught I'm gonna kill you," Michaelangelo warned as Raphael checked out the bedroom door to make sure no one was there.  
  
"If we get caught, you'll have to stand in line behind Splinter. Come on. Let's go."  
  
So while I slept unaware, my sons ducked out of our lair and headed for the surface.  
  
"Where are we gong?" Michaelangelo asked once they reached the streets.  
  
Raphael pulled the collar of his jacket up a little. "To a hotel on Broadway."  
  
Michaelangelo stopped. "Wait a second. A hotel isn't gonna be too dark, Raph. We'll get spotted for sure."  
  
"It's a high school party, Mike," Raphael said with a sigh. "You've seen the kids who go to high school. They dress worse than this and look a whole lot weirder. We'll fit right in."  
  
But Michaelangelo hesitated. "I dunno, Raph."  
  
"Then go home. I don't give a shit. Be a freak all your life, but I'm taking my one chance to be normal." He stormed off and after only a moment, Michaelangelo followed.  
  
However, when they got to the hotel, the party was not what they expected. There were teenagers, but they did not look odd. In fact, they were dressed in ball gowns and tuxedoes. My sons watched from an alley way as they arrived in fancy cars and some even in carriages.  
  
Michaelangelo sighed. "Nah, Raph, we should fit right in. Dumb ass. We can't go in there!"  
  
Raphael didn't say anything for a minute. He just watched the couples walk arm and arm into the hotel.  
  
"Hello," Michaelangelo said. "Earth to Raphael." He waved a hand in front of his brother's face. They ducked back quickly as a carriage past them with two couples in it.  
  
"That skylight should be so romantic, " one of the girls sighed and squeezed her companion.  
  
Raphael grinned.  
  
Twenty minutes later, the two of them were settled in on the roof of the hotel gazing into a ballroom through a skylight.  
  
"Look at that one," Michaelangelo pointed. "The slit in her dress goes all the way to her neck."  
  
Raphael laughed. "Don't know why she bothered to wear anything. Look over there. Is that her skin or a dress?"  
  
"Green skin? Maybe she's one of us huh?"  
  
Raphael gave him an odd look. "Yeah."  
  
There was tense quiet for a minute. Uneasy, Michaelangelo said, "Wonder what's holding it on. Super glue, maybe?"  
  
"Her boyfriend's hands it looks like," Raphael muttered.  
  
They both grew silent as the lights dimmed and the girls leaned in to their partners. Most put their heads on the boys' shoulders. They all looked to be sharing some private, wonderful moment.  
  
Michaelangelo told me he realized that they were witnessing something special that they would probably never experience. And from the look on Raphael's face, he realized the same thing. Instead of feeling normal, watching the party only reminded them just how not normal they really were.  
  
"Let's go, Mike," Raphael said gruffly.  
  
They turned to go when the door to the roof opened and a young man and his date for the evening walked out. Too stunned by what they had witnessed, neither of them moved.  
  
"What the hell?" the young man said spying them. "What are you, some kind of perverts? Spying on people?"  
  
Raphael gripped Michaelangelo's coat sleeve. "We were just leaving," he muttered pulling on his brother. They wanted to just get out there with as little a scene as possible. They walked past the young couple giving them as wide a berth as possible. But the angered boy reached out and grabbed the hat from Mike's head.  
  
The girl screamed. "Oh my God! Scott, what is it?"  
  
The boy tossed the hat to the ground as if it were going to bite him. "Some kind of fuckin' experiment gone wrong. Some kind of freaks."  
  
The boy never saw it coming. Raphael kicked him in the stomach and when he bent over, punched him in the jaw. "Don't call me a freak!"  
  
The girl screamed again as her date struggled to get to his feet.  
  
Michaelangelo grabbed his brother and pulled him out the door. The whole while, they heard the girl screaming. "Someone help! Some horrible freaks just attacked my boyfriend!"  
  
Neither of them said much on the way home. Once they were in front of the lair Raphael finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Mike."  
  
Michaelangelo laughed quietly. "Tell me that if Splinter is up waiting for us."  
  
Raphael looked away for a second. "I'm serious. I just thought---I just wanted to be something more for one night. More than something to be dissected and studied. " He sighed and pulled open the door. Michaelangelo followed him in.  
  
It was fairly quiet for the rest of the night after they went to bed. Michaelangelo said he never knew if Raphael was awake. He never knew if Raphael could hear him crying for an hour afterwards. 


	5. 5

"I'm in a state of confusion I hope things aren't what they seem If this is really happening Just let me go back to dream You're home. Tell me I was dreaming That you didn't leave me here to cry. Tell me you didn't say good-bye" (Travis Tritt "Tell Me I Was Dreaming)  
  
  
  
  
  
I am saddened to say that things got progressively worse for Raphael over the next few years. I did what I could to channel his anger and self- loathing. But nothing helped him. My lectures made him sullen, my discipline made him resentful. Raphael's life became a roller coaster ride with extreme highs and extreme lows. I never forgave myself for throwing it in my son's face just how different he was. It was something that we all realized, but Raphael seemed driven to prove it wasn't true. He wanted to prove it to himself, but most of all I think he wanted to prove it to me. When I look back to that day, I think it would have been less traumatic for my son if I had beaten him bloody.  
  
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I alone take blame for the events that transpired ten years ago. I set the rage burning in Raphael's heart and then I could do nothing to extinguish it. I never wanted my shame to be known, but as I am nearing the end of my life it may give my remaining sons comfort to know that I too was fallible. My son! My beloved son! This is difficult for me, but I will tell you the tragic tale that ended in death of my son.  
  
Ironically it began with love. The first love any of my sons have felt. At the age of eighteen, crushes on humans they happened to see was not a rarity. But this was real and genuine love. I knew it before he did. Raphael fell in love with the first human woman to offer them kindness. April O'Neil.  
  
April accepted my sons and I as we were and asked for nothing but our friendship in return. She was a mother figure from the time we first met when they were only fifteen. They never knew, but I could hear them discussing her while they thought I was sleeping. Some of the things they said were a bit disconcerting considering the role she played in their lives. But then I realized Oedipus had a mother as well. It was only inevitable as they matured that one or all of them would develop some deeper feelings for April. She was a stunningly beautiful woman with a kind heart and a hard spirit. She was stubborn yet understanding and so it did not surprise me that it was Raphael who fell for her the hardest.  
  
His crush was not a secret and he often took a great deal of abuse from his brothers over it. To make matters worse, Raphael held, for some unknown reason, a special place in April's heart as well. Perhaps she understood him better or perhaps she saw he was more in need of a woman's love than the others. Whatever the reason, they grew closer.  
  
The introduction of Casey Jones into our lives did nothing to deter Raphael. It seemed as though Casey was a little friendly competition. Raphael wanted to prove in April's eyes that he was just as good as Casey and so he began to spend more time with him; taking out his anger and aggression on the slime of Manhattan. This was perhaps the most tranquil of times for Raphael. But that all changed.  
  
Raphael was home for the evening. Leonardo and Donatello were about elsewhere in the lair and Michaelangelo had gone to visit April for the evening. I was spending rare alone time with my troubled son, watching a television program. The door slammed drawing our attention from the television. We turned to see Michaelangelo hanging up his coat looking a bit dejected. He shook his head trying to get rid of the excess water from the hard rain outside.  
  
"You're home early, Mike," Raphael remarked. "April kick you out already?"  
  
Michaelangelo sighed and sat next to Raphael on the couch.  
  
"What is troubling you, Michaelangelo?" I asked worriedly.  
  
Michaelangelo sighed again. "Nothing really, Master. Just that April and Casey are fighting again. And April gets really depressed. I couldn't do anything to cheer her up." He shrugged. "She said she just wanted to be alone."  
  
Raphael leaned forward. "What are they fighting about?"  
  
Michaelangelo shook his head. "I dunno. She just gets so upset and I hate that I can't make it better for her. Hey, where are you going?"  
  
Raphael had stood up quickly and crossed the room to pull on his hat and coat. "Out," he said although it was obvious where he was headed "out" to. He opened the door.  
  
"She said she wanted to be alone, Raph!" Mike called after him. But he was already gone. Michaelangelo looked at me worriedly. "Maybe I should go after him. I mean, I don't want him and Casey getting into it."  
  
That concerned me a little. "Casey is never violent with April is he, My Son?"  
  
"Oh no, Master," Michaelangelo said quickly. "He just raises his voice sometimes and I don't think Raph would be to thrilled with that."  
  
  
  
By Raphael's account, Casey was not even there when he arrived. He climbed to her window using the fire escape, careful to avoid slipping in the rain. But he found April in tears in her bedroom.  
  
He opened her window carefully. "April?"  
  
April looked up and hastily wiped the tears from her eyes. "Raphael. What are you doing here?"  
  
Raphael came into the window. "Mike told me you and Casey were fighting. Just wanted to make sure you were ok."  
  
She sat up and smiled a little. "Yeah, I'm ok. You know how Casey is."  
  
"Yeah," Raphael snorted. "He's an asshole."  
  
"But that's part of his charm," April chuckled. She stood. "Can I get you anything? Soda? Beer?"  
  
"Beer would be good." He followed April to the kitchen shedding his coat and hanging it on a chair. "What were you fighting about?"  
  
April opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer. "Nothing really. Just some girls insist on calling him and it gets on my nerves. Of course, he doesn't understand that." She leads him into the living room where they sit down on the couch.  
  
Raphael took a swig of the beer and looked at her sharply. "He cheatin on you?"  
  
"No, no I don't think so." She looked down at the couch and pulled at a loose string. "He says they're just people he works with."  
  
"If it bugs you, he should tell them to stop calling, " Raphael said.  
  
April looked up and laughed. "That would be the logical thing, but men, especially Casey, are never logical. No offense."  
  
Raphael slammed his can on a table and stood up. "He's a stupid jerk then! Fuckin' idiot doesn't realize how good he has it."  
  
April looked a little scared. "It's partially my fault too, Raph. I guess I shouldn't be so jealous."  
  
Raphael shook his head. "It's not your fault, April. How can you even think that? That guy's such a loser he should kiss your feet every day just for having him."  
  
"Raphael, I thought he was your friend."  
  
Raphael spun to face her. "He is, but.he doesn't deserve you, April. You'd be better off with." He trails off and says almost silently. ".me."  
  
"Oh, Raphael," April whispered.  
  
Raphael's eyes widened in panic when he realized she had heard him. "I.I." He turned away from her, but jumped a little as April put her hands on his shoulders.  
  
"Raphael," April said softly. "Don't be embarrassed. Please."  
  
Raphael turned his eyes aimed at the floor. "I don't have to pretend with you, April. You've always let me be me." He looked up at her. "I..I love you."  
  
April gasped, her face going white. "Raphael.I don't know.what to say."  
  
Raphael gripped her wrists. "Just tell me that you care about me."  
  
"I do, Raphael. I do care about you, but."  
  
His face hardened and he tightened his grip.. "But what?"  
  
"I.You're a good friend, Raphael. I just don't.I can't.." She winced as the pressure on her wrists was starting to hurt.  
  
"Can't what? Can't love a mutant? A freak?"  
  
April shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. "No, Raphael. That's not what I meant You guys are like.like my brothers..like.."  
  
"A brother?" Raphael spat. "You mean the ugly, deformed brother you keep locked in a room somewhere, right?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"You're no different than the rest of the fucking humans," Raphael growled.  
  
April whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Raphael, you're hurting me."  
  
Raphael looked down and saw that he was holding onto her so hard, her fingers were starting to turn blue. He dropped her hands and ran out the door colliding with Michaelangelo.  
  
"What the hell.?" Michaelangelo began.  
  
Crying, April said, "Go after him, Mike. Oh, God, I'm so sorry."  
  
Raphael had made it to the streets and noticed Casey's truck parked along the side. He got in and located the spare set of keys under the dashboard. Michaelangelo jumped in the passenger's seat right after him.  
  
"What are you doing?" Michaelangelo demanded.  
  
Raphael ignored him and started the truck. He sped down the road.  
  
"Raphael, what happened?" Mike asked clutching the seat as Raphael made a sharp turn.  
  
Raphael slammed his hand into the steering wheel. "It's so fucking useless, Mike." He hit the breaks and took a corner fast. "We're never gonna be more than just freaks. Never! We're alone and we'll always be alone."  
  
"Raphael, you don't know.watch out!!"  
  
From the little Raphael could remember at the next corner, he did not slow down and went sharply around it. The rain made the roads quite slippery and the truck went into a skid. Michaelangelo grabbed the wheel as they spun out of control, but they hit a telephone pole head on. We will probably never know why Raphael survived and Michaelangelo did not, but bruised and bleeding, Raphael brought home the body of his dead brother.  
  
We cremated my son and took his ashes to a small park where he played with his brothers when they were young. It had always been Michaelangelo's favorite place to write or to relax. Raphael did not leave that park for three days. If a human came close enough, he would hide, but I do not think it mattered much to him if he was discovered. He hid to protect the rest of us.  
  
At the end of the third day, Raphael finally came home. He spoke very little and slept for most of the day. We all reassured him that he was not to blame, that it was an accident, but he did not care if we blamed him. He blamed himself. It took many years for Raphael to come to terms with Michaelangelo's death and the events changed him forever.  
  
Despite the hurt Michaelangelo's death caused, we moved on. Slowly and painfully. I made so many mistakes and one cost Michaelangelo his life. I hope he will forgive me.  
  
And now, here I am and I know I am not far away from joining my son in the afterlife. But I am proud of my sons. And I love them all.  
  
  
  
The three turtles entered their master's room quietly and respectfully. The tears welled in their eyes as they knelt by his still form. They all bowed, their heads touching the floor.  
  
"Good-bye, Father," Leonardo whispered raising his head.  
  
Donatello looked up. "Thank you for everything, Master."  
  
Raphael kept his head to the floor, a small blue journal clutched in his hands. He had found it the night before when they had first realized Splinter was dead. He had read the whole thing cover to cover all night long. Raphael finally looked up with tears sparkling in his eyes. "We love you too." 


End file.
